After a scorching start to his Twins career over the last few weeks of spring training, Mickey Gasper has inspired club decision-makers to put this requirement into effect, to boost the performance of the rest of the roster.
“He forced our hands with this. After seeing Gasper’s performance on the field, and more importantly, how tough he looked out there with that 80-grade flavor saver, we really had no other option,” said Twins POBABO Derek Falvey, while rubbing some beeswax on the tips of his newly grown whiskers. “I can’t say for sure if the mustache is the true reason for his excellent play recently, but damn it, I’m going to find out.”
To his credit, Gasper has dazzled in his first impression as a Twin, hitting .323 with a superb .903 OPS this spring.
Even better, he’s strolled into the clubhouse each morning looking like Tom Selleck and blasting Bruce Springsteen on a boombox.
That’s caught the eye of countless middle-aged dads who are employed by the club, including multiple prominent front-office representatives.
While some players have already sported mustache variations at different points in their careers, others are in for a challenge when growing a suitable nose neighbor.
Players like Jose Miranda, Griffin Jax and Louis Varland have all been clean-shaven so far.
“I just pray that I don’t look like Kip from the movie Napoleon Dynamite when this thing comes in,” said Varland as he traced his upper lip with a Just For Men applicator. “It doesn’t matter how well you perform if you look like you shouldn’t be allowed within 100 feet of a school zone.”
It’s still unknown what sort of punishment will be rolled out for anyone who fails to comply with this new rule. Some have suggested a cash fine commensurate with their contract; others have insisted on old-school hazing as the Good Lord intended.
But it’s especially problematic for the many incredibly talented and hard-working women who make up a sizable portion of the organization.
“Yeah, we’ve heard the gripes from our female colleagues saying that this is unfair, and frankly a pretty dumb idea,” explained Falvey, while stroking his freshly grown face furniture. “But look, we’ve seen them step up for our team before and I know they can do it again. Just look what it’s done for my guy Mickey Pushbroom.”
