Royce Lewis, now allegedly boasting an 8% body fat percentage and an entirely new set of abs, was the first to comment on his own new physique.

“I just really committed this offseason,” Lewis said while effortlessly flipping a tractor tire across the outfield. “Some guys do yoga, some do pilates. I personally just ran up and down Mount Everest every morning. It really unlocked something in me. I don’t do slumps, but I do slopes, brother.”

Carlos Correa, whose plantar fasciitis was a major talking point last season, dismissed any concerns with a bold declaration.

“My foot? It’s stronger than ever,” Correa said, balancing on one foot atop a Bosu ball while juggling kettlebells. “I trained exclusively on a surface of uneven rocks to make sure it’s indestructible. Also, I might have developed the ability to levitate. We’re still testing that.”

Meanwhile, Byron Buxton, who entered the offseason healthy for the first time in over half a decade, revealed his new approach.

“I decided to just rebuild my entire body from scratch,” Buxton said. “[Surgery] is a tough habit to kick. Had some experimental procedures done. Some people have called it ‘extreme’ or ‘potentially illegal.’ But, let’s just say if I collide with an outfield wall this year, the wall is what’s going to break.”

Perhaps the most shocking transformation came from flamethrowing closer Jhoan Durán, who insists his offseason gains have translated directly into his pitching.

“My fastball now sits at 112 mph,” Durán said nonchalantly. “It’s sitting there now, but I’m touching higher. Hopefully, by the time the weather warms up, I’ll be closer to 117, 118.”

Manager Rocco Baldelli was left speechless, with every player reporting in peak condition.

“I—I don’t even know what to say,” Baldelli muttered while gazing at his roster of apparent superhumans. “It’s either a dream come true or a science experiment gone too far. Our chances in 2025? Let’s just say the league might need to implement a mercy rule.”

Trainer Nick Paparesta, the mastermind behind these transformations, shared his secret.

“It’s really just a mix of science, grit, and a few experimental techniques that are still pending FDA approval,” Paparesta admitted. “We focused on biomechanics, cutting-edge recovery methods, and a whole lot of protein. Also, there may have been some cryogenic freezing involved. But hey, results speak for themselves—and I think the FDA’s enforcement officers all got laid off anyway.”

With Opening Day still weeks away, one thing is clear: the Minnesota Twins are bigger, faster, stronger, and possibly defying modern sports science.

If this trend continues, opponents may soon request hazard pay before taking the field.