The Minnesota Twins finally ended their long, long period of offseason inactivity, signing relief pitcher Danny Coulombe and outfielder Harrison Bader on Tuesday and Wednesday this week. Although far from marquee acquisitions, they both fill necessary roles, as a lefty bullpen arm and fourth outfielder/Byron Buxton insurance, respectively.
While there are rumors of other moves in the offing, the team’s immediate priority is getting apologies from the numerous critics of the organization and its lack of spending.
“We’ve been taking a lot of flak from media know-it-alls, online trolls, and—to be honest—most of our friends and immediate family members,” said a front office source. “It’s one thing when [The Athletic’s] Aaron Gleeman says you’re blowing it, but when your 8-year-old daughter asks what it is you do all day, that stings.
“Greta will have her screen time privileges restored when she apologizes to the Pohlad family.”
A source familiar with the front office’s thinking also says that, in a move echoing the team’s off-season TwinsFest traveling caravan, the team will also be sending Coulombe and Bader to the front doors of the team’s most strident critics across the Upper Midwest.
“The goal is to extract a ‘sorry’ from the most negative haters,” said the source. “When you yell at us online, this is who you’re yelling at. They’re millionaire athletes, but if you cut them, do they not bleed?”
Despite the potential for a winter storm this weekend, the source says they hope to get both players to Grand Forks, Crookston, and Bemidji in the coming days.
“We have names and addresses. We will be stopping by. If you have a Super Bowl party on Sunday, we hope you’ll invite us in for some crudites and buffalo chicken dip. It is the least you can do.”
Those who receive visits will also be expected to send a written mea culpa to ownership.
“Tyson [Wenner, a Crookston high schooler who called the team ‘bums’ in an Instagram story dated Dec. 3] will have his Twins.com account restored when he apologizes to the Pohlad family,” said the source.
